


Night of the Living Puns

by TheStrange_One



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mild Gore, Not Beta Read, Zombies, probably bad puns, zombie king
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:06:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27188371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStrange_One/pseuds/TheStrange_One
Summary: Spider-Man is in the park, surrounded by zombies. Deadpool figures out how this happened.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 69





	Night of the Living Puns

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a prompt over on Reddit; The zombie apocalypse has happened. You have a rural farm in the middle of nowhere and a group decides to raid it only to discover that you have done the impossible. You have turned the zombies into pets. They are very protective.
> 
> No beta, so if you see errors, please let me know so I can fix them.
> 
> Please, enjoy my Halloween fic! :)

Wade laughed so hard he fell off the stool. And kept laughing. Every time he looked at the clearly not amused faces of his two booth buddies, he started laughing again.

“We’re not joking,” grunted Cable.

“Of course you’re joking,” Wade said between fits of giggles. “You—you think that—hahaha—Spider-Man is a—heeheehee—a zombie king?”

Domino sighed and leaned back in the booth as she pressed one hand against her afro. “Wade,” she said firmly, “this is seriously an issue.”

“Look,” said Cable in his I’m-trying-to-explain-how-serious-this-isTM voice. “Zombies have appeared. They were eating people. They followed Spider-Man into the park.”

Wade’s humor drained away as he thought of Spider-Man, that heroic web-crawler hero, fighting for his life from the zombies. He knew they would look far too much like real humans for the vigilante to deal with them like they needed to be dealt with—lethally. His heart squeezed at the mental image of Spidey trying to negotiate with a brainless zombie.

Wait. Hold up. “There are zombies in New York?” he asked.

“I was wondering when he’d get to that,” murmured Domino.

Wade kept his attention on Nathan. “A—thing escaped.”

Which was Nathan-speak for, “Someone made a mistake and a lot of people are going to die.”

“The—thing created mindless, flesh-eating monsters out of normal humans.”

Nathan-speak for, “Has taken a lot of lives already.”

Nathan glared at him. “Would you _stop_ that?” he demanded.

Which was Nathan-speak for, “Wilson, you’re annoying the shit out of me.”

Domino was laughing so hard she was having trouble sitting up straight.  Nathan’s single organic eye glared between the two of them. “If you are finished,” he growled.

“Making fun of you? Of life? Of what?” asked Wade.

Nathan growled and looked at the table as though considering hitting himself in the head with it. Or, more likely, picking it up and hitting  _Wade_ with it. “ We have to do something,” 

“No worries,” said Wade casually. “I’ll go, do some recon, figure out the situation, save that sweet Spidey booty, and we’ll all go home unrecognized heroes.” He got up. “Later Wease! Off to hunt zombies!”

“Don’t track zombie guts all over my floor!” Weasel called back at him as he left.

From his vantage point on the ledge of a building, Wade could see the mass of walking corpses in the park. Most of them seemed to be standing still. And, like Nathan said, right in the middle of them was a familiar red and blue clad vigilante hero.

The walking corpses were milling around without any real purpose. They didn’t seem to be trying to attack Spidey. They didn’t seem to be trying to leave the central area they were in. They just sort of—moved around in a rough circle around Spidey, who was perched on a large fake rock that someone had thought would make nice decoration for the park.

Huh. Well, time for a closer investigation. Wade dropped down to the street, waited to regenerate, and then made his way—casually—to the zombie circle of the park.

“If I were a zombie,” caroled Wade, “I’d never eat your brain!” The zombies turned towards him and began shambling towards him as he continued to sing. “I’d just want your heart, yeah I’d want your heart, I’d just want your heart!” The first of the zombies reached him and gripped at his weapons.

“No!” called the familiar voice. “No! Bad zombies!” Spider-Man was fearlessly shoving his way through the horde. “Don’t eat Deadpool!”

Wade watched them get manhandled away. “Oh, Baby!” he said batting his eyes at the webslinger, “you want to handle me like that?”

Wade couldn't see it through the mask, but he was almost certain that Spider-Man rolled his eyes. Most people did when listening to Wade. He was used to it.

Spider-Man carefully pushed the zombies back. One of them lost an arm and the vigilante picked it up. “Ah, just hold still—here we go!” He pushed the arm back into the socket—only to watch it fall again. “I tried,” he said mournfully.

Wade looked around at the surrounding horde. None of them were attacking. As strange as it was, they appeared to be listening to and obeying Spider-Man. “Okay,” said Deadpool. “I’ve got to ask; how did this happen? Like, were you dabbling in necromancy, reading books bound in human skin, what?”

“I’m not exactly certain,” said Spider-Man. “It’s—well, it’s a bit of a long story.”

Wade threw his arms wide in the air. “I got _lots_ of time,” he assured the other man.

It had started out as a normal day for Peter Parker. He’d gotten up (late, because when had the alarms _ever_ worked), had breakfast (all right, the last of the Cheerio’s dust from the cereal box because that was all that was left in his apartment), gone to work, and headed back home. On the way home, he stopped by the grocery store (because he needed to eat _something_ or he wouldn't have been able to patrol that night).

While he was in the store, he saw a flash of light and turned. The pedestrians in the street were screaming and running away from something (which was a feat since he’d watched people stand by and take pictures with their phones as alien monsters were literally running towards them). Worried (and curious), he’d gone to the window to take a look outside.

At first he hadn’t known what he was looking at. The shuffling undead looked, at first glance, like normal cosplayers. And it was, after all, almost Halloween. That was when he saw that the zombies were trying (not succeeding, because humans were a great deal faster than the shuffling undead) to eat humans.

How did that work? They must need some kind of inherent energy source in order to keep moving. Proteins for the muscles to contract and relax. They needed some kind of food.

Peter ran back inside the store, purchased as much ground meat as he could, and went outside. (He took a moment to change into his costume.) Then he ran up to the different zombies and fed them. They started following him and, slightly panicked, he decided to take them to the least populated place in the city—the park.

“And now they’re following me,” Spider-Man said calmly.

“Hold up!” Wade put his head in his hands as he tried to process things. “Okay, let me recap. You saw a horde of human-munching zombies marching down the street.”

“They weren’t _munching_ people, Deadpool,” said Spider-Man, clearly aggravated.

Wade waved away the semantics. “And you—your first instinct—is to _feed_ them?”

Spider-Man crossed his arms over his chest. “And?” he demanded darkly.

“No, no,” said Wade with a shake of his head. “Just—look, I can buy you food, you know?”

“What?”

“You said that you spent your entire check on ground meat for zombies and didn’t even get to eat any of it (not that you’d eat raw meat, I’m sure, Webs),” Wade said. “So—I’ll get you food.”

There was a moment of silence between the two costumed men. “I’d rather you get more ground meat,” said Spider-Man after a moment. “I’m all out, and I don’t know how long what they’ve eaten will sustain them. I mean, it should be a while? Since they’re not really moving? But I don’t know. And I’d appreciate it if you can get some help with them; I can’t exactly leave without them following me and I don’t want them chomping down on citizens.”

“Leave it to me!” said Wade. He turned to see that he’d been surrounded. “Uh, Webs,” he said nervously, “little help here?”

“Sure.” Spider-Man moved the zombies out of the way so that Wade could leave and then went back to perching on his fake rock.

Wade propped an arm on Nathan’s organic shoulder. “I’ve got good news, and bad news,” said Wade cheerfully.

“Are you saying that Spider-Man is not the king of the zombies?” demanded Nathan.

Wade blew a raspberry through his mask. “You’re no fun,” he said.

“I hate to agree with kill-joy over here,” Domino said as she loaded her gun, “but we do kind of need to know the situation. That’s a lot of zombies over there.”

“Oh, no worries,” said Wade casually. “Spidey’s got it covered. They’re loyal to him.”

“What?” demanded Nathan, voice cold and sharp.

Wade wiped some spittle off his mask. “You really got to work on that temper of yours Boo,” he said calmly.

“Spider-Man. Zombies,” growled Nathan. “Explain.”

“Oh, _someone’s_ not using their sentences. “Okay. So, it’s like this. Spider-Babe’s out there, alone, sees the zombies. He can’t kill them, because _duh_ , he’s _Spider-Man_ and he doesn’t kill. So he feeds them.”

“Feeds them what?” asked Domino.

“Ground meat from a grocery store,” Wade explained.

The other two stared at him. “And that—worked?” demanded Nathan.

“Yeah. It’s almost like we’re in a shitty fanfic and the author wasn’t sure how she wanted the zombies to go.”

Fuck you, Wade.

Wade gave a loving sigh. “If only,” he said mournfully.

“So—what are we going to do?” asked Domino.

“Well, I figured I’d get Spider-Babe more meat, although not the fun kind nudge nudge wink wink, while the two of you do whatever you need to do to turn those zombies back into people. Or, you know, just make them stop being zombies.” Wade backed away with finger guns. “Take care!” he called as he loped off.

Because the city just couldn't catch a break, the store that Wade went into for the ground meat was being held up by a robber. “Dude,” said Wade in fake shock, “you can’t get more than two hundred out of that register! What is even the point, I ask you?” he shook his head in fake dismay at the robber.

The man growled and swung the gun around to point it at him. Wade calmly and methodically disarmed the man before giving him a severe beat-down. “I’ll have you know,” Wade said cheerfully, “that the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because my sweet sweet Spidey would be upset with me if he heard I was killing small-time crooks.”

The man crawled towards the door and the clerk smiled at Wade. “Thank you,” she said. “What can I get for you?”

“Oh, yeah. I need meat.”

“What?” The woman blinked at him in shock for a moment.

“Meat. Ground meat. Got hungry mouths to feed.”

The woman chuckled. “All right. Just a moment.” She turned and walked away.

“Oh, could you throw in some sandwiches too?” called Wade.

The woman came back and handed Wade two large paper bags. One of them was filled all the way with ground meat, still dripping red blood, and the other had sandwiches in it. “Thank you,” said Wade as he paid.

“Oh, no, thank _you_ ,” said the woman with a smile. Wade walked to the door of the shop, ignoring the sounds behind him as the clerk began kicking the downed man. “I’ll teach you to point a gun at me!” the woman snarled.

Nothing felt better than doing a good deed.

The zombies were happy to get the new food. Spider-Man even showed Wade how to feed them without getting bitten which—ouch! Who knew the zombies had such a strong bite?

“I think it’s a defense mechanism,” Spider-Man said as he held Wade’s hand. True, he was only doing it to staunch the bleeding stumps where Wade’s fingers had been, but he was still holding Wade’s hand!

Then Wade noticed that his fingers were growing back. And his glove was missing a few key details—right where the old fingers had been. “Any-who!” said Wade as he yanked his hand back and tucked it behind one of his pouches, “what are we going to do with them? I mean, we can’t keep feeding them ground meat forever.”

“Fortunately, _some_ of us have been working.”

“Nathan! Domino!” said Wade with a grin. He waved his hand with its three little baby fingers at them. Domino’s eyes tracked the wiggle of the baby fingers while Nathan ignored them.

Nathan held up a glowing green globe of some kind and Spider-Man gripped the back of Wade’s neck before throwing both of them to the ground. A bright green flash later and the zombies began to drop to the ground. The one closest to Wade fell in such a way that the mouth opened and half-chewed ground meat rolled out.

“Gross!” complained Wade as they got back up. He noticed that Domino was getting back up too, apparently having slipped on something shortly before Nathan did—whatever he did. “Don’t you think you could have warned us!”

Nathan’s lips curled in a sneer. “No,” he said bluntly before turning and stomping his way through what was now several dead bodies lying on the ground.

“Friendly as always,” said Domino with a roll of her eyes. She turned her attention to Spider-Man. “As for you, Sugar Plum, you shouldn't feed dangerous things. They might follow you home.” She gave a flirtatious wink that didn’t make her cheek twitch at all.

“Huh.”

“Yeah, it could have been handled better, but I think the author’s running out of steam.”

“So, are _you_ a dangerous thing?” asked Spider-Man.

“One of the dangerousist.”

Spider-Man snorted. “That’s not a word,” he said, voice teasing.

“Of course it is!” protested Wade. “I just made it up!”

“Of course,” deadpanned Spider-Man. Wade grunted. Rude! And he was over there regenerating, after all. “So, meet me tomorrow night? We can meet an hour early and I’ll bring tacos.”

“Ah, tacos,” sighed Wade. “Nature’s ambrosia.”

“So you’ve said,” agreed Spider-Man. “Until tomorrow!” The costumed vigilante shot a web and managed to pull off—into the side of a tree as they were still in the middle of the park.

Suddenly the conversation clicked in Wade’s brain. “Wait,” he said as Spider-Man angled up, shot another web to a taller formation, and pulled himself away. “Are you asking me to follow you home?”

All he got in response was laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Wade sings is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPNqub966Tw&list=PLylGTB_ki_A1Wgg3GUgnHpcRBL47aFKMH&index=50 If you have time, you should check it out. :)


End file.
